Date
4/18/2025
Nothing is magic. No matter what you do, it won't erase or replace your existing tendencies. That's okay, but it's definitely something to look out for. I got a dumbphone largely because I have an absolutely wicked screen addiction, and getting one has absolutely helped, but getting one doesn't get rid of those root issues. I have to exert effort to make sure that my laptop doesn't become the major time suck in my life and I still had to add app timers and browser extensions for YouTube on the dumbphone!
Even if it's not perfect, the results speak for themselves. My biggest issues with productivity hacks on regular smartphones is that you can just delete them if you want. I know the jackass that put them there! That person is an idiot! My personality is such that I will wriggle my way through any possible loophole. I want to subvert the rules as soon as I make them. Getting this dumbphone is great because I literally can't increase the memory storage, the size of the screen, the speed that websites load at, or how quickly the battery gets hot and uncomfortable to hold. I am trapped. Thank fucking god.
You need to come up with things that fill the space. You can feel pretty stupid, staring out into the middle distance with no fucking clue what to do with your day. You're a smart person, right? Nope. You will forget every single thing you enjoy doing if you're not careful. Make lists of things to do - playing guitar, developing various projects, reading, exercising, making art or good food or whatever else - this will save you. There's a reason why I got a dumbphone - to live more life. But I didn't realize how separate of a step figuring out how to live was.
Additionally, figure out why you do the things you do. For many people - and I can definitely relate to this - a mindless scroll slots very well as the intersection between something that is entertaining, not effortful but more engaging than literally sleeping. You don't even need to be upright - scrolling only requires eyes and a thumb. Reading requires focus. Many tasks need effort to initiate. So, in the times that I really need nothing to do... what can I do? For me, I think the combination of listening to a podcast while crocheting might hit that balance.
It's honestly very fun. Get ready to have many silly conversations with people about your phone and if that's the same company that makes backhoes. It is. So dumb.
Honestly, even though my screen time is a tiny fraction of what it was, my days don't feel too much longer. Everything in this world are related skills, but seperate steps. I try my best to stay aware of my time and what I do with it, because regardless of what you're doing and on what device, it can all slip away if you're not careful. I think my next step in this ongoing quest is daily journalling. Keeping a log has always helped - an entry on my sketchbook is absolutely coming soon.
Nothing is magic, and that's okay. I think the most important part of getting a dumbphone for me was actually getting it. Not just talking about it, thinking or strategizing. Doing it. Any step towards improvement, towards a better existence that is more in line with how you'd like to be spending your life is worth it. Every single day is trial and error. It's a process worth doing, and as long as I'm learning, I can't really complain.
Date
4/16/2025
I really don't remember the last time my mental health took this severe and sudden a nosedive - I've been engaging in my most self destructive behaviours and it's all just so weird! Like sure, I was physically sick last week, and still have a bit of a sore throat and some brain fog, but this is a different beast entirely. On Monday, I mentally fell off a cliff.
I haven't felt like this since my gap year.
I want to point at me not getting the mood stabilizers I thought I was going to as the big trigger that kicked all this stuff off, but if I'm honest, I was kinda nonfunctional on Monday morning before I knew how bad it was gonna get. I feel like I've been through much worse, but this round of unfortunate circumstance was just right to send me utterly reeling.
Well. I think the most important thing is that I do not want to hurt myself. I've been listening to music that makes me feel alright. I called the pharmacy and my psychiatrist and my mom, and I've been emailing my professors and reaching out to my friends and trying to go outside even if I don't want to. I know I can't be trusted around certain things, so I'm having Sarah hold onto them for me, even as I kick myself for handing them over.
The fact I'm writing this at all proves that I'm starting to come out of it. I can't handle being a person right now, but I don't really have a choice, so here we go. I'm gonna upload the overdue stuff for Colton after I'm done writing this. I'll apologize to him too.
Always soothing, always good. Most of my usual music has been unbearable during this bad time, but Still Woozy's sweet and calming demeanor has never steered me wrong. Forwards and Rid of Me are favorites recently, with the latter being lovely and heartbreaking in the same way that Blondeshell's Tarmac is.
Now I'm waking alone again
Another strange place I'm in
The street up ahead winding on
Now I'm missing two, not one
I will be back soon, I know that
You're counting on me
Well, I'm so sick of being
Used to leaving my heart behind.
Ah, fuck. That's good stuff. You can't get rid of me so easily.
One of my favorite things about this kind of music is the sonic weighted blanket it can create for me. It's like when you're in a concert - right? People are pressing into you at every angle, and the sound is all around you and so loud that your thoughts go nice and fuzzy. Anyway, this album doesn't actually do that all too much - there are many breaks for slow parts and tasty acoustic guitar sections.
I liked it immensely, even though it wasn't exactly what I was asking for. (JAKE!!! GIVE ME BLANKET MUSIC!!!) At the peak of this tormentous nightmare, truly the only thing could fix me is lying on the floor and listening to Neka Morgondagen as loud as possible.
Earth, made damp by the tears of man
Air, gloomy from darkness and death
Sky, blackened by fear and sorrow
The heart, cold from longing and treachery
Sometimes you just need a miserable Swedish dude to shriek at you.
After listening to an band where the singer expressly promotes suicide (although he's still kicking after 41 years, so I suspect a good deal of edgy lipservice from him), I got the urge to listen to some songs from the perspective of the poor bastard that lives in this situation.
How does it feel to be left behind by a friend in this way? Well, 30 seconds into Shadow Song, I was loudly sobbing. Blue Jays and Cardinals left me in a similar state.
If you get there before me, will you light us a fire?
And if I never show, will you watch the embers glow?
Would you keep the fire burning?
This is a song for you
In case I never make it through to where you are
I guess that's part of why I'll never do anything particularly permanent to myself - I generally like the miracle of being alive enough too much to do that to myself, but I could never do that to the people around me.
Things are bad, the only way out is through, etc. etc. Uhh... I think I'm just gonna type out the Beat the Champ litany. Enjoy.
I don't wanna die in here!! I'm not gonna die in here!! It's real sweet to grow old!! Never die, never die!! Sit on my porch in Houston and let the good times dance across my mind!! Some things you will remember, some things stay sweet forever!! Swim or drown, save this town, save everything not nailed down!! Like you're free, like you can breathe now, like they've sawn off your cast!! Stay on my feet somehow, I'm strong now!!
Say it 'til you believe it, right?